And on we go.....

Spring break starts Friday. I have to say the idea of having 10 days off is AMAZING! Of course I will be on my own with the kiddos (2 and 4 legged) and projects around the house. BUT I will try very hard to balance the fun and the projects so the girls can enjoy the time with me too. I am hoping to get a good routine in the working out and eating good area. I'm a little nervous about having access to our pantry, but will power will prevail right?! I'm a geek and am counting down to the Hunger Games movie next Friday. I loved the books and am proud to say I read them before the hype! I am hoping to find another series or book that I can get just as excited about. I guess if I can't, its time to get this book of mine a'crackin! I may try to squeeze some of that in over spring break too! Hmmmm should I make a list of things I hope to accomplish? Hmmm...that could be too much pressure! And on we go!

Sometimes being a grown up....

Stinks! That's all there is to it. Such big decisions and choices are left up to us. And then to the "grown ups" we spent our childhood looking up to. What it all boils down to, is that even when we are grown ups, those grown ups still have the opportunity to let us down. Without getting too personal and offending anyone, here's my post. If you're easily offended, then please don't read. My parents are getting divorced. After 31 years of "marriage", they are calling it quits. This is probably something that should've happened years ago. In fact, I remember going into my college years wondering when they would finally either fix things or move on. I was pretty naive back then, there are some things that can't be fixed. And there are some people who are not willing to compromise, EVER. I understand why one of my parents is wanting this change and wanting it now. It's been a build up and freedom is a necessary component of moving on and being able to breathe finally. I have no hard feelings towards that decision, in fact I support it. That does not take away from the sadness that now resides in my heart with this decision, and the decision to sell the only house they ever owned. In fact, the house goes on the market, today. Growing up we had a lot of love and support from one parent in the household. We got as many hugs and kisses as needed from that parent. But one person can not make up an entire childhood. And the lack of love and support from the other side made it a challenge to know the right direction to go in when we were in search of love and life growing up. This was something I had put away and figured it was part of life, until recently. Now as a parent myself, I am a little pissed that it continues with my children. Little girls who are so full of life and love and want to share it, are being ignored and told "oh I don't need hugs" or "I don't give hugs". It's one thing to deny your children of this, but not your grandchildren. But then again, some people are on a different kind of journey at the moment and love certainly is not part of it. So I have to ask myself, is it worth putting the girls in the middle of it? Will the house sell and journeys begin in different directions soon enough? Is any of this having an effect on the girls? They don't seem to be bothered, they see this kind of rejection as normal for the grandparent who doesn't want to hug. They know that the other grandparent is very much involved. So maybe the rejection is hitting me, because it was me as an 8-year-old little girl who wanted a hug from her daddy and never got one. It was me as 33-year-old woman who realizes I've heard my dad tell me he loves me once, ONCE. I am praying that maybe this journey will benefit both of my parents. That they will not be tied to a dying flower that never saw the sunlight, and that they can be the people they always wanted to be. I know one will thrive, but I worry about the other. There seems to be no desire there, no need to be something more. No need to find a way to provide the basics for anyone, not even themselves. I worry that the job or lack of will catch up to them. I worry that our visits will be on N Kansas Ave. And I don't want to help. I have tried and tried and tried for the past 3 years. Given ideas, called friends, asked for favors. None of it was "good enough" and here we are. But there is a part of me that worries enough to be kept up at night. I guess its true, I can't fix or help everyone. Some people need to fix themselves, and in order to do that, they have to fall on their bottom. This situation makes me want to do better at everything in my life. So I guess there is some good to come out of this. Either way, hug your kids. Squeeze them. Don't let them ever question your love. Make it so much a part of their life they have no choice but to love back and thrive.

Updating...

Quite a bit going on this month. A lot of fun happenings and some other just busy happenings. The above pic is of Big P and her friend and classmate E doing their part for Jump Rope for Heart.

Little P jumping her heart out. Both P's were very excited to participate in this event at school and both made their personal goals on fundraising. Thank you to all who gave so they could jump! Kris got to be on hand as well, so it was double the fun!

The P's got a lot of cousin time last week, including some time with baby cousin C. She is 10 months old and in that fun, giggle and be amazed by everything stage. They are both very good with her. They are baby magnets.

I found a fun project for the P's for Valentine's day. The hearts said things like "you rock at basketball", "your smile brightens my day" and "we are lucky to have you." The P's seemed to enjoy this fun treat and have yet to take the hearts down.

We had some issues with the Higster this past week, actually over the past few months. I feel like a bad dog parent for not catching it sooner. But he is a much happier pup.

Kris and I both have been working at our weight loss journey but some weeks, heck some days are better than others. Thanks to the advice of a successful friend, Kris bought us both these, FitBits. I'm excited to see how they will help us succeed at our journey! Especially since we have a big day in 5 months, a nice renewal of sorts!

We traveled west for our cousins' baptism. Steph and Houston's twins R & R are almost 2 months old and are as sweet as can be! It was a fun little road trip.

One of my favorite pictures from the baptism trip. Grandma Patty with one of her grandbabies. Such a sweet and tender moment.

My mom and I took the P's to the park to enjoy this very non-winter weather today. It was a fun way to get a much needed walk in. I enjoyed watching Big P and my mom swing together.

And finally our big production of the week. Little P lost her first tooth this afternoon. Quite the accomplishment for a little girl who didn't get her first tooth until she was close to a year old. She is extremely excited. We are truly blessed. Beyond blessed.

Operation Streamline

Life as a parent gets hectic. Heck now-a-days, life as a child is hectic. There's dance, and softball and girl scouts and the other various activities we can get our children involved in. Kris and I vowed from the beginning to avoid becoming the "busy every night of the week parents." Not because we are selfish but because we've seen first hand what having children too involved does to them and we both agree its not good for any child to be so busy they can't enjoy anything. We have friends who allow their children to be involved in 5 or more activities at a time. I see how their kids quickly become burnt out and act up when they are being carted from one activity to another. I've also seen how these children don't know how to act when there is absolutely nothing going on. They can't entertain themselves. This is what I want to avoid! However, for some reason, our generation has decided to over do it on everything. Softball isn't just a summer pastime, its a year-round event. It's not just something fun to do fill up summer nights, it's a "get our little girl on track for a scholarship starting at age 8," activity. Let's get her in lessons, and then batting practice in January, let's fill up our schedule with practice this week and practice next week, and let's book every weekend from Spring to Fall in tournaments. Seriously? And we wonder why our kids get burnt out. Why they have absolutely no attention spans and why they're unhappy. We aim to limit the girls to two activities at a time. Both P's are in dance one night a week. I put them in classes that are back to back to avoid multiple nights at the dance studio. Yes, that means we are there for an hour and a half one night a week, but it works, for now. Big P is involved in basketball for the Upward program. It is a winter only activity and runs through the end of February. So there are her two activities, or so one would think. See above paragraph. I'm not blaming her coach, I blame the system and the fact that parents are so single-minded on being so damn competitive at 8 and under (yes 8!)that in order to compete and not get spanked every game like last year, we have to hold practices year-round. So there are three nights of our week...bam bam bam. Not to mention Saturday mornings reserved for her basketball games through the end of next month. I feel bad, almost like Little P is getting the shaft. Yes, she is in dance the same night as sister. She is also involved in first grade girl scouts, but that doesn't really count since their meetings are so sporatic. She wants music lessons. So I am lining up guitar lessons soon I hope. She played softball two years in a row, and while she has some talent there, she has decided she'd rather pursue gymnastics this summer. I have to find a way to give her the freedom to explore her own way and still support Big P in her activities. I don't know how families with more than two children juggle it. I do not want to be an every night of the week family! It doesn't work with our Fire/EMS schedules and my sanity. So we are looking at ways to streamline it all. And not end up paying major bucks to get our kids involved. Hoping to find some peace and the ability to maintain the fun in it all for both girls!

Transformation...here it is where I begin

This post is about me...yikes. I don't even like typing that. But this is really for me, to look at and hold myself accountable. When I feel like giving in, I can look here and see what 'giving in' looks like. 1st picture: Before the major weight gain settled in. Late May 1999 I believe. This is Kasey, my parents first yorkie. Miss that boy!

2nd picture: Kris and I's second Christmas, 2000. A quick 50 lb gain in just a year's time. And so it begins!

3rd picture: Kris and I Christmas 2001. This picture always makes me cringe. I wanted that sweater when I worked at Eddie Bauer for a holiday job so bad, no one told me I looked like a gigantic orange pumpkin!

4th picture: Me and my good friend "little Lisa" on my wedding day, July 13, 2002. We didn't think she was going to be able to make it, so this was after me being completely surprised. And anyone who is over 5'0 looks enormous next to her.

5th picture: Me and my dad on my wedding day. A size 24 bride....

6th picture: Kris and I on our wedding day...a very happy day, thankfully!

7th picture: And a year and a half later...9 months pregnant with Big P....the heaviest I've ever been.

8th picture: Big P, Jackie Harris & me December 18, 2003. Jackie was my anchor on the morning show at Channel 27. Such a joyous day!

9th picture: And a year after that...December 2004 me and Big P in Texas visiting the Dodds extended family. Little did I know that I was about two months along with little P here.

10th picture: Little P's baby shower June 2005...me and my cousins (I'm on the far right, not as big this pregnancy probably from chasing Big P around)

11th picture: July 2005....just about ready for Little P's arrival!

12th picture: October 2005: The P's, me and my brother Tim. Started to lose some weight...one of my many rebounds.

13th picture: April 2006, Little P and I at the in-laws...rebound in full swing.

14th picture: June 2006 The P's baptism...Aunt Brandi and Uncle Mike, their godparents. Brandi was pregnant with cousin Landon who would join us a couple of months later.

More pictures and reminders to come. Here we go!

Kids can be so honest and so cruel

First off, Happy New Year! Here we are 12 days into a new year and I haven't blogged. Please don't tell my husband, but this awesome laptop he bought me for our anniversary hasn't been getting used like I said it would. Time to change that up a bit I guess! I've been blogging for almost 5 years now. And of those 5 years, probably 3 and half of those were spent on various roadblocks dealing with my weight loss journey. And it is a journey, sometimes one that I can seem to make some progress on and sometimes I seem to take a few steps back, or a few hundred. But through it all, it seems like I never follow through. I have big goals, big dreams but like a lot of things in my life, I allow life and the need to take care of everyone else come before taking care of myself. This is one of those things we do as parents, everyone else comes first. Well that really isn't working so well in my case. I will never be 150lbs, but I don't want to be where I am at the moment either. (Its over 200 lets not get too focused on the specifics people). I have weighed less, and I have weighed more, a lot more. And its not secret I've been overweight a long time. In fact, 12 of the 13 years my husband and I have been together have been spent in overweightville. I have been working on losing and getting healthy whole-heartedly for well over 6 months now. Like anyone else, I have my good days and my bad days. But I pick myself up and keep going. AND now that certain body parts are cooperating, who knew how important a thyroid really is?! The good news there is the ping-ponging of medicine and biopsies, and tests seem to have gotten through to my old stubborn Thyroid! But that is only part of this journey isn't it? Nothing gets through to a person like the cruel truth from a third grader. While walking in the hallway at school today, I ran into our neighbor T (reminder I do not use the names of children, the internet is a scary place)and a classmate outside of the gym. They looked a little rough and worn out so I asked if they were ok. T smiled and said, "Yea we just survived "Survivor Jog" in PE." I smiled and said truthfully, "I need to do that sometime with you guys." "Survivor Jog is a big deal at the school. Running for 20 minutes straight. I think it equates to almost a 5k, but a good thing for the kids and their fitness, heck anyone wanting to get in a good run. She nodded and said "yea that'd be cool," and they walked passed me. But in passing her classmate said, "She is too fat, she probably couldn't do it." I really wanted to turn around and stick my tongue out at that girl and say, "oh yea well wait until you go to college and work two jobs, then have babies, so there!" But the adult part of me kept walking and started thinking about what people really see when they look at me. And fat, is definitely something that comes to mind. Oh I get it all of the time. "Oh you're just a big girl." Really? Ya think? Or "you're tall so you carry it well." Fat is fat people, and I may be better at sucking it in than someone who is 5'4, but its all the same isn't it? So while I am not going to make any promises I will break on here next Tuesday, I am saying this. My New Year's goals (not resolutions) are summed up in the word, Accountable. Hoping to make some major progress soon. I will keep you blog fans posted and appreciate your prayers and support. And to you blog readers who aren't supportive, and you know who you are....watch me do what it is you think I can't. Maybe it will inspire you!

A crystal ball would come in handy....

Sometimes, it'd be nice to get a glimpse into the future. Not to change its potential or cheat, but just to know that I and or we are headed in a good direction. And to just kind of see, that despite all of our faults, our procrastination, pays off at some point. But I know that we have to leave that up to faith and knowing that our plan is really not our own. But my patience is not the best. And my motivation hasn't been either. I hope my family can forgive me for my laziness and just lack of motivation all around lately. Tomorrow is a new day. For lots of reasons, but mostly to start holding myself accountable. Finish what I start. A New Year's resolution of sort, but more of a new life resolution. For myself. For my family and for our life together. And for the future. Little P and our friend M at Big P's 8th birthday party!

Big P and her besties!

Big P being crazy on her birthday!

The P's and their Sami! What a nice birthday surprise!